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Medical Jokes to Keep You Laughing

Medical Jokes about doctors and their patients

Let's start!

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The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc.
The CEO says, "This is terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

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A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."

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A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

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Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."

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In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have recently treated.
French gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris .......et was like a melon".
English gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor wooman wouldn't have been able to walk if it was".
French gynaecologist : "O la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste."

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A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.
Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually asked you to return all the presents?
Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.

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This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

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A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

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